Healing the Strong Black Woman

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Is resilience a blessing or a curse?

Sherise Reid shares her very personal account of navigating being a black woman and a mother while measuring up with the unwritten expectations that come with these roles.

Is being the Strong Black Woman even sustainable?

In 2020, my children and I were forced to abandon home and seek refuge.

To be in a position where all that I had built for myself and my children was taken. Well, let’s just say, this experience was a catalyst for diving deeper into the “Strong Black Woman” (SBW) archetype than ever before.

Being in crisis was like kryptonite for me. I had managed, thus far, to keep it all together, juggle all the balls and the hats. I was the captain of my ship and it had sunk. Traumatically.

I had to reckon with all the beliefs I had about what it meant to be a strong independent black woman and mother. And I say “and mother” because I believe there are an extra set of expectations for the black mother.

Whilst I was busy rebuilding my foundation, I was simultaneously deconstructing another.

Each brick interrogated for its integrity.

Because some of those bricks were so worn, they were crumbling in my hands, others were so old and outdated they would not withstand the new structure.

Brick by brick, one belief system replaced with another.

Growing up in a Caribbean household with traditional and cultural values, with the grandmother matriarch. With the strong, independent, homemaking woman being who I was supposed to aspire to be, meant that I was often overwhelmed in my womanhood and mothership.

Asking for help was looked down upon and the more you could manage, hold and not drop, the higher your regard.

Extra points if the baggage belonged to others and bonus prizes if no complaints.

Having been, seen, impacted and explored the role of the strong black woman, I see that it is a huge, unrealistic role that we are being asked to fill. The values rooted in being strong, are detrimental to our wellbeing. Hell, I almost didn’t survive!

The Strong Black Woman archetype is outdated, immoral and greatly impacts mental, physical and spiritual health issues. This archetype does not allow for community and interdependence.

The Strong Black Woman travels through the family line

  • How many women in our family line can we recognise as Strong Black Women (SBW)?
  • What are some of the similarities in their personalities that we believe qualify them as a SBW?

 For me, I look at my mother, grandmother and aunties, I see how they are the dominating forces within their households, they are the captains of their ships and know all the goings on within each deck.

The kitchens (command centres) are thriving.

The staff (husbands/partners and children) fall in line with their commands.

There is order and things have their place.

They appear well dressed and hygienically maintained.

They are a little impatient and intolerant.

They are somewhat stressed at the intensity of their role, there is some overwhelm by their to do lists.

They are tired.

They moan about not being heard.

They complain that the “people dem” don’t know how to do the “thing” properly so they must do it themselves.

They serve their community, always available if someone needs them.

They conceal their pain.

They deny they have any other needs.

I was talking to my mum about the SBW archetype and it was such a revealing, healing and wholesome conversation.

In sharing how her role as a SBW informed my own SBW template, she reflected on how her mother was also affected by the SBW traits and how she witnessed her maintain this role at the cost of her mental health.

You see, my grandmother was the matriarch of the family, her door was always open, like literally always open, she never locked her front door.

She always had food cooking on the stove in case someone stopped by and was hungry.

I remember many days coming home from school and there would be a stranger at her dining table tucking in to something she had cooked. Often times it was someone in need, usually homeless but definitely starving.

How she was in servitude to others, but did not meet her own needs well.

As provider for her husband, children, her church and community, she prided herself on how she carried herself.

There was the idea that, to be strong meant to have no needs. To have it all together.

One of the ways in which being a SBW has incapacitated me is in the way in which I serve myself.

Or the lack thereof.

You see, being a SBW means that any needs I have, I must fulfil myself.

Whilst this has some truth, the very foundation of that is steeped in that of shame and guilt.

And the notion that I must manage my portion without complaint.

That I have watched the women who came before me do it and I must learn to do the same.

However, it wasn’t until my grandmother transitioned to spirit, did I realise that whilst she cleverly concealed her needs, wants and desires within serving others, she left this world without really identifying or asking for what she needed.

Whether that be support, help within the home, shopping, raising her children, getting to church etc

Now, don’t get me wrong, there is a slight possibility that she conversed with friends about her true needs but I doubt it as her pride was in her appearance.

Leading with a mask of having it all together, she was missing the very real connection which could have been available to her.

There was isolation.

Loneliness.

Her goings on at home were never on display nor up for discussion.

And these conversations were not had within the family unit.

Can you imagine if they were?

The sharing of teachings and wisdom that could have been?

Anyway, there is something about being a strong black woman and denying we have any needs.

And I can’t help but wonder what that’s about.

So, as I search within my well of experience on being the SBW and question what arises for me when I deny my own needs, I find shame and guilt.

Shame and guilt.

Shame and guilt are the pandemic.

There is shame for not being able to fulfil my role.

Shame in admitting that I have failed, tremendously.

That I don’t have it all together and need help.

Guilt for bringing shame on the family.

Guilt that I am not living up to the expectation of those who set the bar.

I have to ask whose guilt and shame is this?

I wonder how my nan was able to satiate her own starvation whilst she was busy filling the bellies of others. What were the hunger pangs calling for?

Because I noticed she did not eat with everyone else. And when she did eat, it was often a small “likkle” side plate or she would pick at the fruit.

They call the command centre of the ship a bridge.

The bridge is the kitchen in my maternal lineage.

It is where the captain lives, pretty much.

Food is served there.

Advice or rather, orders, are given.

Punishments too.

Gossip, betrayal and deceit also congregate there from time to time.

Conflict and prayer also meet there.

My grandmother was the bridge also.

She brought our individual worlds together and although they collided often, we knew this was the place for that to happen.

But who supports the bridge?

Who is responsible for the structural maintenance to ensure its durability, reliability, safety?

Surely there is an impact from wear and tear and high traffic use.

There is something about the lack of conversation around the realities of being a captain and maintaining a ship?

 The realities of being a Strong Black Woman.

The truth about the impact on what the striving to be a SBW can have on one’s livelihood.

The lie says, “to have strength is to have no needs”, when the truth lies in the complete opposite.

You see, in having needs, we are human.

In having needs and expressing our needs, we become strong.

We become the embodiment of strength itself.

In having no needs, there is isolation.

Looking after other people before yourself means that you are always giving to yourself from a place of deficit. In fact, you are already in deficit serving others because you have not served yourself first.

How do you give and serve but remember to give to yourself first?

I believe we have to admit that we have needs and realise that our needs are important and we are worthy of having those needs met.

When we can contact our unconscious drivers around being the strong black woman, we can begin to facilitate change, heal, inform and inspire our ancestral lines and future generations.

The Strong Black Woman Archetypal symptoms do not allow for selflove or selfcare.

It perceives vulnerability as weakness.

The conditions of this archetype were created to deplete us.

To deny our true essence.

How do we begin to heal this archetype?

 My 5 Top tips:

What has been the most impacting on my healing journey, has been the ability to access spaces where I could be witnessed, heard and held.

In community.

Telling my story and listening to others stories.

Sharing wisdom, sharing truth, sharing medicine.

  1. Journaling; Get curious as to why you believe the things that you do.

What does being “strong” mean to you? Where did you gain your understanding on what it means to be strong and resilient? How did you witness the other women in your life growing up? Did they have similar traits, viewpoints, values? How do you feel about asking for help? Why?

  1. Practice self-care and self-love

Learn to receive. Be the receiver and not the giver for once.

Allow your partner, friends and family to support you, even when it doesn’t look exactly the way you want it to. Be open and flexible. As a recovering people pleaser / caretaker, I understand the value in supporting others, however, you know the saying, you can’t pour from an empty cup? Yeah, well, let’s find ways to fill our cups so that we may give from the overflow and not the last dregs at the bottom.

  1. Practice setting boundaries

Listen, this is tricky, I’ll be honest. As someone who has always made myself available to others, it was a difficult task saying no and the practice only deepened when I stopped making excuses for my no. Start with being honest with yourself.

  1. Seek holistic support

I am a believer in holistic wellness, so whether you need counselling, massage, art therapy, energy healing. Tend to your mind, body and spirit.

  1. Seek community

Find community groups to meet other women. Stay curious in your judgements, because it is likely that you will find it a little stimulating emotionally to be around other women. I don’t think we are really supported with the absolute value sisterhood brings to our lives and that of our children’s.

Come back home to yourself dear one, it is time!

Beaming love right to your tender hearts!

Written with love,

SheRise Reid MCMA

Website: www.souldeepwellness.com

Email: Info@souldeepwellness.com

 

With over 15 years’ experience working in healthcare, studying both Western and Eastern medicine, Sherise Reid is an experienced and accredited Spiritual Counsellor, Holistic Healer and the founding director at Soul Deep Wellness Ltd, a holistic wellness practice based in South West London.

 

 

184 thoughts on “Healing the Strong Black Woman”

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